Call me cliche, but this year came and went.
When I look at it as a whole picture, I question whether I did anything this year.
When I look at the still frames, I see memories and lessons juxtaposed together to create the best year I've yet to live.
I knew it'd be a good one. I'd graduate highschool, begin university, and become an independent man. With all this has come indulgence and prosperity. But with this must also come lessons learned that must be carried over into later times.
Calm The ---- Down and Let Go
My friend Ryan taught me this best. Even though I haven't seen him in a while since he's been on a football scholarship in B.C., I still value what I had to learn from him. We had drama, law, and religion class together and he witnessed my perfectionistic and tense nature first-hand. He made me realize that by sitting back and relaxing once in a while, I could do just as well all with a smile. Life is too short to bust your ass having the highest possible marks at the time. You can still achieve just as much success and still take time to have fun along the way, which is far more satisfying. Also, don't be afraid to let go. Experience things sooner than later while you can get away with it. Be daring, be bold, and be adventerous. All of life is a lesson and as much as you might want to go back and change some things, you would have understood the message if it weren't for the lesson.
Play The Fence
Don't choose sides. And if one side refuses to associate with you because you associate with "the enemy", they aren't worth your time. Be nice to everyone and treat everyone with respect. Eveyrone has something to offer and a lesson to teach. Even if it feels forced, you may begin to see certain qualities in people that you did not see from the start. This year, I can honestly say a handful of the dearest people to me I initially did not see myself having a second conversation with.
Know Your Intentions, But Know The Intentions of Others Better
If you don't have any sexual or emotional interest in someone else, back off and let them know from the get go you're not into them. And know what others are thinking before you jump into dark waters. If you're anything like me, sometimes I wonder if I care more for the feelings of others than I do of mine own. The hardest thing I'll ever have to hear is someone else's description of the pain I inflicted on them. It fucking sucks. And I'd take being rejected over hearing someone else's post-rejection bashing anyday. The things some of you have said made me feel terrible, and still echo in my head. Going into the new year, I'll be sure to ask more questions before I pursue anything to avoid making myself feel like the same monster.
Patience Is Overrated
I think it's incredibly fundamental in any kind of relationship, but when that falls through and you're forced to wait on someone else, it's a waste of your time. My greatest disappointment in myself is the time I took holding back and sweeping my true feelings underneath the rugs. Come to think of it, I wasted a lot of time giving out second, third, and fourth chances and letting people take advantage of my sympathy. I wouldn't have to think twice before saying that this year has been by far the most emotionally draining I've yet too live. It was such a soap opera. I have myself to blame. What saddens me deeply was my addiction to pouring out the most of my affection to someone who did the best and worst things with it. It's depressing that it took countless GO bus tickets, desperate warnings from friends, and a repetition of what you promised me you'd never do again before I finally realized I was wasting my time in waiting for a change. I'm glad we met up to finalize things over the break and I wish you the best.
Keep Holding On
When I said I had many memories and lessons juxtaposed together this year, I knew what I was talking about. Even though this might contradict the previous lesson, a few fine differences can make all the difference. When you feel the time is right, sense something beautiful, and see potential; remember that love is patient, and you must be, too.
31 December 2010
29 December 2010
28 December 2010
26 December 2010
Life Update
Boxing Day was great. Although I worked 8.5 hours and shopped with LL for a while after my shift, I had an amazing time with my work friends and couldn't be happier.
Whatever, it's definitely not like I need any more clothes..
It's nice working at Square One too because I see everyone.
I saw so many people that I haven't seen since June and it felt amazing.
I'm so incredibly proud of all of you.
School marks were great. I know I definitely could have done better, but given the rough circumstances I was really able to manage. I'm defintiely not ready to go back just yet, but I miss all my friends up there.
For New Years I have a couple of options, but I'm not sure if I want to go full out and party it up in the city, or just hang out with a few friends. I'm kinda last second about those kinds of things, so I'll see what my mood is then.
Plans for tomorrow? I think I'm going to run away to the city for most of the day. I still haven't really stopped to take a breather amidst all of the fam jams, friends hang outs, and work schedule. A lot has gone on recently and I need to think about things with a relaxed and conscious mind. I need time to myself.
Whatever, it's definitely not like I need any more clothes..
It's nice working at Square One too because I see everyone.
I saw so many people that I haven't seen since June and it felt amazing.
I'm so incredibly proud of all of you.
School marks were great. I know I definitely could have done better, but given the rough circumstances I was really able to manage. I'm defintiely not ready to go back just yet, but I miss all my friends up there.
For New Years I have a couple of options, but I'm not sure if I want to go full out and party it up in the city, or just hang out with a few friends. I'm kinda last second about those kinds of things, so I'll see what my mood is then.
Plans for tomorrow? I think I'm going to run away to the city for most of the day. I still haven't really stopped to take a breather amidst all of the fam jams, friends hang outs, and work schedule. A lot has gone on recently and I need to think about things with a relaxed and conscious mind. I need time to myself.
24 December 2010
Inseperable
Just a peice I wrote for my best friend for Christmas.
A box of chalk and a hot Friday night,
All dimly lighten by a driveway light.
You walked on over and drew away,
And just like that you made my day.
At three years old little did we know,
Of the deep connection formed as we watched each other grow.
They say out of a guy a girl can't make a best friend,
But after a bond this strong they'll have to amend.
The jokes and the secrets, the laughs and the tears,
Blasting GaGa, Perry, and Britney Spears.
Waking up early to play Habbo Hotel,
Locking me in washrooms to suffocate to my Avo's nasty smells.
Times like those only we'll understand,
Just between me and you, my beautiful bestfrand.
Become a nurse, become a cop, a model, a pornstar,
No matter the path you choose, I'll be there to watch you go far.
With eyes that could kill, and an ambition that could assassinate,
It's traits like these that leave me to fascinate.
I'm here for you always, to protect and defend,
From another heartbreak to a guy touching your rear end.
Because losing you would completely destory me to peices,
Like a big snow fort destoryed before lunch recess.
And even though everyone says we'll get married,
I want to be by your side until the day we're buried.
Forever by your side until the day we're buried.
A box of chalk and a hot Friday night,
All dimly lighten by a driveway light.
You walked on over and drew away,
And just like that you made my day.
At three years old little did we know,
Of the deep connection formed as we watched each other grow.
They say out of a guy a girl can't make a best friend,
But after a bond this strong they'll have to amend.
The jokes and the secrets, the laughs and the tears,
Blasting GaGa, Perry, and Britney Spears.
Waking up early to play Habbo Hotel,
Locking me in washrooms to suffocate to my Avo's nasty smells.
Times like those only we'll understand,
Just between me and you, my beautiful bestfrand.
Become a nurse, become a cop, a model, a pornstar,
No matter the path you choose, I'll be there to watch you go far.
With eyes that could kill, and an ambition that could assassinate,
It's traits like these that leave me to fascinate.
I'm here for you always, to protect and defend,
From another heartbreak to a guy touching your rear end.
Because losing you would completely destory me to peices,
Like a big snow fort destoryed before lunch recess.
And even though everyone says we'll get married,
I want to be by your side until the day we're buried.
Forever by your side until the day we're buried.
Blackout
Let's swap shoes and turn this table.
I've tried to forget but I'm unable
To wear black through a snowless January.
They say if it's real it isn't temporary.
I've tried to forget but I'm unable
To wear black through a snowless January.
They say if it's real it isn't temporary.
22 December 2010
On To The Next One
"You must learn to respect," Papa said.
"But I do not respect her," I said.
Papa paused for a moment, and patted my leg. "Then you must learn to hide your disrespect."
20 December 2010
...LMFAO
PS. I'll stick with doing the fork in the garbage disposal.
PPS. I want my Halloween costume back.
PPPS. 2:55 onward killed me.
PPS. I want my Halloween costume back.
PPPS. 2:55 onward killed me.
It's Like A Sixth Sense
Lately when I think about someone and contemplate texting them in a bit, I'll get a message from them.
Weird.
Weird.
19 December 2010
18 December 2010
Sparks
What we got will set the past aflame,
Serani says there'll be no games.
This time the distance won't put us out,
Got me beggin for your goodies like cookie monsta and a girl scout.
If Science fails me, I'm writing rap songs. Just sayin'.
Owned, bitch, owned.
Best late night Skype call to date.
Car missions tonight. Oh yeahhhh. ;)
Serani says there'll be no games.
This time the distance won't put us out,
Got me beggin for your goodies like cookie monsta and a girl scout.
If Science fails me, I'm writing rap songs. Just sayin'.
Owned, bitch, owned.
Best late night Skype call to date.
Car missions tonight. Oh yeahhhh. ;)
Eternity
"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't."
17 December 2010
16 December 2010
Dear Geoff Box,
Whether it's your marvelous ability to be a preppy fuck in fits.
Or your eagerness to pick me up at literally 1 AM to drive around and go to McDonald's.
Or your fatassness.
Or our tendency to attract the most obscure of situations.
Or your soft remarks.
Or our disrespect for Midgetville.
Or your willingness to car dance to Hollaback girl.
I'm in love with you.
Can't wait till next week.
That is all.
Or your eagerness to pick me up at literally 1 AM to drive around and go to McDonald's.
Or your fatassness.
Or our tendency to attract the most obscure of situations.
Or your soft remarks.
Or our disrespect for Midgetville.
Or your willingness to car dance to Hollaback girl.
I'm in love with you.
Can't wait till next week.
That is all.
Steamroom Thoughts
Ryerson U library is sketch.
Studying in Victoria College made me feel like I needed a wand a thunderbolt scar on my forehead.
The nicest thing someone did for me today was done by a homeless person.
I'm slowly learning basic German.
My father's girlfriend and I probably have the most intellectual yet hilarious dates ever. I hope he's jealous. She's also from Bruno's hometown. It was meant to be..
Reading week & March 3rd will complete my life.
I pushed myself to far at the gym and can't feel my arms, back, and chest.
These old men need to stop bitching to each other about their wives before I lose it.
I'm a badass gift buyer.
I want to plan a date to the ROM & AGO asap.
My dad's house is going to look fucking sick when it's redone.
I miss my UW friends.
You never realize how much you value things until you're isolated from them.
Studying in Victoria College made me feel like I needed a wand a thunderbolt scar on my forehead.
The nicest thing someone did for me today was done by a homeless person.
I'm slowly learning basic German.
My father's girlfriend and I probably have the most intellectual yet hilarious dates ever. I hope he's jealous. She's also from Bruno's hometown. It was meant to be..
Reading week & March 3rd will complete my life.
I pushed myself to far at the gym and can't feel my arms, back, and chest.
These old men need to stop bitching to each other about their wives before I lose it.
I'm a badass gift buyer.
I want to plan a date to the ROM & AGO asap.
My dad's house is going to look fucking sick when it's redone.
I miss my UW friends.
You never realize how much you value things until you're isolated from them.
Cascade
"There are no random acts...We are all connected...You can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind..."
Fragility
"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."
The Anatomy of a Ram
Everybody has a hero. One of mine if my doctor.
I only see her twice a year, but I absorb more from her, in the span of an hour, more than I can from most poeple in a month.
She refuses to restrict her job to looking into my throat and feeling my body up.
With genuine concern, she seeks to assess me as a whole.
I tell her everything.
It's weird how that works. How you can see someone twice a year and feel boundless comfort with them.
She can sit me down and look me in the eye, not daring to lose eye contact and listen 110%.
Her advice always suits my best interest, whether it is what I want to hear, or what I fear most.
I'll never forget what she said to me today.
There's something grater than being told by the nurse that your BMI is where it should be at, that your blood pressure is at par, and that your in perfect physical condition. Above your physical entity is your mental entity. And once it is lost, your body disipates with it.
That's where I'm starting to lack.
I'm a perfectionist. I'm a competitor. I'm anxious. I'm always forethinking the next step and how to manipulate my present actions to get there.
That's not how someone ought to live their life.
She told me to let go. To stop thinking. No one's ever told me that before. People usually tell you how to construct the best act into moulding yourself into becoming the perfect bait into luring in the object of your affeciton. Simply put, this leads to disaster.
There is one thing that leads to happiness. That's a love for yourself. Yes, yourself. That's not arrogance. That's not pride. We are in control of our own emotions. All feelings directed towards us from other are merely external factors that influence our moods but absolutely do not dictate our emotions or love for ourself. Love is the happiness you feel yourself knowing you were able to swallow your pride, take a chance, and pour your heart out fearless of judgement. Love is the compassion you feel in the moment you realize you're seventeen and also the father of your own house as you hold your own mother in her dark bedroom as she cries herself to her sleep in your chest. Love is the warmth you feel being able to love somebody even though they haven't the slightest clue how to love. Love is the strength you feel as you set fire to a seemingly endless obsession that thrived at eating your life away and wasted your capability to love.
There are two things that lead to love. Trust and genuinity. Unconditional trust that eternally resides in one from that very moment to their grave. And a genuinity that violently refuses to waste a second of a life concealing emotions or fondling with your second guesses.
Ask questions. Demand answers. Move forward. Live your life.
"Trust and genuinity. They don't have a face, and you can't spot them in a crowd. You can't find them until they find you."
I only see her twice a year, but I absorb more from her, in the span of an hour, more than I can from most poeple in a month.
She refuses to restrict her job to looking into my throat and feeling my body up.
With genuine concern, she seeks to assess me as a whole.
I tell her everything.
It's weird how that works. How you can see someone twice a year and feel boundless comfort with them.
She can sit me down and look me in the eye, not daring to lose eye contact and listen 110%.
Her advice always suits my best interest, whether it is what I want to hear, or what I fear most.
I'll never forget what she said to me today.
There's something grater than being told by the nurse that your BMI is where it should be at, that your blood pressure is at par, and that your in perfect physical condition. Above your physical entity is your mental entity. And once it is lost, your body disipates with it.
That's where I'm starting to lack.
I'm a perfectionist. I'm a competitor. I'm anxious. I'm always forethinking the next step and how to manipulate my present actions to get there.
That's not how someone ought to live their life.
She told me to let go. To stop thinking. No one's ever told me that before. People usually tell you how to construct the best act into moulding yourself into becoming the perfect bait into luring in the object of your affeciton. Simply put, this leads to disaster.
There is one thing that leads to happiness. That's a love for yourself. Yes, yourself. That's not arrogance. That's not pride. We are in control of our own emotions. All feelings directed towards us from other are merely external factors that influence our moods but absolutely do not dictate our emotions or love for ourself. Love is the happiness you feel yourself knowing you were able to swallow your pride, take a chance, and pour your heart out fearless of judgement. Love is the compassion you feel in the moment you realize you're seventeen and also the father of your own house as you hold your own mother in her dark bedroom as she cries herself to her sleep in your chest. Love is the warmth you feel being able to love somebody even though they haven't the slightest clue how to love. Love is the strength you feel as you set fire to a seemingly endless obsession that thrived at eating your life away and wasted your capability to love.
There are two things that lead to love. Trust and genuinity. Unconditional trust that eternally resides in one from that very moment to their grave. And a genuinity that violently refuses to waste a second of a life concealing emotions or fondling with your second guesses.
Ask questions. Demand answers. Move forward. Live your life.
"Trust and genuinity. They don't have a face, and you can't spot them in a crowd. You can't find them until they find you."
15 December 2010
Life Changing
Thanks to the biff for recommending this. I picked it up during my hot date with my mom to dinner & Chapter's. I'm already moved.
13 December 2010
Cieling Thoughts
I'm glad I didn't give you a second go.
I'm proud that I gave my little brother such tough skin & I'm watching him prosper.
I'm happy my parents have found happiness.
Maybe there are people just a floor below here that I can trust after all.
In 48 hours I'll probably be with my best friends in a warm basement sipping on hot chocolate.
I'm glad I stood up to you and defended the people who mean the world to me.
The best way to make me dislike someone if for them to pretend they don't like me as though it'll get my attention. You played way too many tactics, told me you don't care, and now that we don't talk all of a sudden you ask why not..?
Timothy Horton's Apple Cider & Candy Cane Hot Chocoalte are the way into my heart.
I need to get in better shape.
I need to go to church.
Maybe I was used after all. I don't think about it because when I do it hurts.
I've been monitoring everything I say far too much lately.
I've changed incredibly over the last year.
I'm proud that I gave my little brother such tough skin & I'm watching him prosper.
I'm happy my parents have found happiness.
Maybe there are people just a floor below here that I can trust after all.
In 48 hours I'll probably be with my best friends in a warm basement sipping on hot chocolate.
I'm glad I stood up to you and defended the people who mean the world to me.
The best way to make me dislike someone if for them to pretend they don't like me as though it'll get my attention. You played way too many tactics, told me you don't care, and now that we don't talk all of a sudden you ask why not..?
Timothy Horton's Apple Cider & Candy Cane Hot Chocoalte are the way into my heart.
I need to get in better shape.
I need to go to church.
Maybe I was used after all. I don't think about it because when I do it hurts.
I've been monitoring everything I say far too much lately.
I've changed incredibly over the last year.
12 December 2010
Let Me Go Home
2 more days. I can do this.
I can't wait to get out of here.
The people are great, but all my closest friends are back at home.
I can't wait for late night coffee runs, skating in the city, Christmas shopping, going back to a real gym, the taste of my vavo's soup and pasta, acting like fake "preppy fucks" with the AE crew, late night McDicks runs after, sleeping in with friends till noon, car talks with JT, shopping with MS, spiked Caramel Macchiato's on subways with LS, city crawling with AL and the many more adventures to come.
Everyone's asking me for a Christmas list but I honestly don't give a fuck.
Call me cliche, but the best gift of all will be the company of all my friends and family back at home.
I can't wait to get out of here.
The people are great, but all my closest friends are back at home.
I can't wait for late night coffee runs, skating in the city, Christmas shopping, going back to a real gym, the taste of my vavo's soup and pasta, acting like fake "preppy fucks" with the AE crew, late night McDicks runs after, sleeping in with friends till noon, car talks with JT, shopping with MS, spiked Caramel Macchiato's on subways with LS, city crawling with AL and the many more adventures to come.
Everyone's asking me for a Christmas list but I honestly don't give a fuck.
Call me cliche, but the best gift of all will be the company of all my friends and family back at home.
11 December 2010
Empty Tank
I feel like I've worked so hard all term to the point where I've just been drained of all my energy.
I have 2 exams coming up and all I've done today is sleep.
What's wrong with me?
I have 2 exams coming up and all I've done today is sleep.
What's wrong with me?
10 December 2010
09 December 2010
Get Off My Johnson
I struggle to enjoy anything that finally goes right for me because my past choices come back to haunt me and dampen the mood.
I long to be able to stare at the road ahead and see infinite promise. Lately, I have.
My biggest strength is my ability to bring the past and future together. To recall it all- the victories, the mistakes, the applause, the critique, the laughter, and the tears. Then, it's about leading it take the wheel to guide you through it all.
Unfortunately, just as the things that break us down are the things that build us up, it is the things the build us up that are most capable of knocking us down.
It's all about balance. We'll win to lose and lose to win.
Simply put, my hindsight is my biggest fear.
Because with every ounce of unhappiness you inflict on someone else, they may crave to someday feast out of you. And unless you're willing to give yourself away, it's a constant struggle you'll forever have to battle.
I long to be able to stare at the road ahead and see infinite promise. Lately, I have.
My biggest strength is my ability to bring the past and future together. To recall it all- the victories, the mistakes, the applause, the critique, the laughter, and the tears. Then, it's about leading it take the wheel to guide you through it all.
Unfortunately, just as the things that break us down are the things that build us up, it is the things the build us up that are most capable of knocking us down.
It's all about balance. We'll win to lose and lose to win.
Simply put, my hindsight is my biggest fear.
Because with every ounce of unhappiness you inflict on someone else, they may crave to someday feast out of you. And unless you're willing to give yourself away, it's a constant struggle you'll forever have to battle.
08 December 2010
06 December 2010
05 December 2010
"Now That's a Tooty Grin"
Here's to toothy grins, uncordinated waiters, unclassy dinner discussions, carrie exposing my secret to 2 girls, almost becoming $20 richer, running like hooligans through parking lots, frigidly cold walks back to rez, spontaneous visits to love shop, HORRIBLE "arousing" hand lotion that i still smell on my hands as i type this, blow-up barack obama dolls, amanda getting every inch of her scanned by the pedo, and a lot more.
great night :)
03 December 2010
Self-Fact #36
I care too much.
And as much as people take advantage of it,
Are unappreciative,
And make me feel like its my weakness,
I refuse to ever let that trait go.
And as much as people take advantage of it,
Are unappreciative,
And make me feel like its my weakness,
I refuse to ever let that trait go.
02 December 2010
01 December 2010
Crimes of Passion
They say to live like you're dying,
It's your favourite excuse.
Go grab the knife, heck grab the salt,
Secure my heart in a noose.
Dim down the lights, you're getting frisky,
Light that candle, clench the whiskey.
And when I make your heart skip that next beat,
I fathom the sight of you pale from your head to your feet.
Time for a spoonful of 'the doctor's' medicine,
I reckon you'll recall the taste.
Call the medic, call the neighbours,
I'll pour it down your throat, let no drop go to waste.
Recount old times, recite the list,
Your sister in the next room, yet we still kissed.
Hold it right there- don't make me sick,
Shutup and swallow, you'd know the trick...
You'll realize you were the chemist,
As your face turns its reddest.
Savour the favour, drink it by the vat,
They say revenge is sweet, and it's even low-fat.
Time for a spoonful of 'the doctor's' medicine,
I reckon you'll recall the taste.
Call the medic, call the neighbours,
I'll pour it down your throat, let no drop go to waste.
It's funny how the game works,
Cat chases mouse, mouse chases cat.
But give that mouse an escape,
And that's the end of that.
I know you're starving without me,
Craving my touch.
But that night I became a free man,
I threw away the crutch.
Now I'm limping into the sunset,
And you're watching me disappear.
I hate to leave you in the darkness,
You better fucking know I'll draw a tear.
I might grow to hate you,
But one things forever true:
That's the fact that I used to love you,
But some things you just can't undo.
It's your favourite excuse.
Go grab the knife, heck grab the salt,
Secure my heart in a noose.
Dim down the lights, you're getting frisky,
Light that candle, clench the whiskey.
And when I make your heart skip that next beat,
I fathom the sight of you pale from your head to your feet.
Time for a spoonful of 'the doctor's' medicine,
I reckon you'll recall the taste.
Call the medic, call the neighbours,
I'll pour it down your throat, let no drop go to waste.
Recount old times, recite the list,
Your sister in the next room, yet we still kissed.
Hold it right there- don't make me sick,
Shutup and swallow, you'd know the trick...
You'll realize you were the chemist,
As your face turns its reddest.
Savour the favour, drink it by the vat,
They say revenge is sweet, and it's even low-fat.
Time for a spoonful of 'the doctor's' medicine,
I reckon you'll recall the taste.
Call the medic, call the neighbours,
I'll pour it down your throat, let no drop go to waste.
It's funny how the game works,
Cat chases mouse, mouse chases cat.
But give that mouse an escape,
And that's the end of that.
I know you're starving without me,
Craving my touch.
But that night I became a free man,
I threw away the crutch.
Now I'm limping into the sunset,
And you're watching me disappear.
I hate to leave you in the darkness,
You better fucking know I'll draw a tear.
I might grow to hate you,
But one things forever true:
That's the fact that I used to love you,
But some things you just can't undo.
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